Bathroom Etiquette
Public Toilets (Photo credit: kenleewrites)
Many people take pinching a loaf for granted. Many people are pretty regular and rule the dookie kingdom from their personal porcelain throne the same time every morning. This is good for them because they never have to worry about finding a public restroom let alone actually having to use one. For those of us that are maybe not so fortunate in our timing or those of us that are healthy enough to realize you are supposed to drop the kids off at the pool after every meal, I offer this compendium.
Bryan’s Guide to Bathroom Etiquette
In this guide we are going to be covering what you need to do to make you and anyone else that shares the commode comfortable while you stall the brown sedan. We will be doing this by location.
Home Field
This is your personal gurgling La-Z-Boy. If your single and live alone, you’re golden. Don’t even bother reading this section because you can do whatever you want. If you are married, have a girlfriend/boyfriend or have a roommate then listen up.
- Put the toilet seat AND the lid down. This goes for men and women! Women don’t like to sit down and fall in when they get up in the middle of the night to pee. Putting the lid down too will make it easier for everybody to see that the seat is down. And let’s face it, nobody wants to look in your crapper no matter how clean it is.
- Remember to courtesy flush. If you just ate a Taco Bell 12 pack and the vapors coming out of your rear are making your own eyes water, everyone will appreciate the CF. The best thing to do is get those rotten Cadbury Eggs down the drain as fast as possible.
- Keep spray in there and use it. No matter how many CF’s you do there is going to be a lingering dookie ghost haunting that area for at least 15 minutes. Invest in some Lysol to aid him on his way.
- Clean up your mess. Even if you are only shaking the dew off the lily you need to clean up if you make a mess. Somebody is going to have to clean that thing eventually and it could be you. Do you want to clean a little now or a lot later?
- Change the roll. Three sheets left is not enough. If you have ever been the victim of such atrocious thinking you will probably agree. Don’t be lazy. Just pop a new roll on there. It takes 11 seconds. Bonus points if you keep fresh rolls nearby within arms reach.
Public Poopers
Like it or not you are going to end up having to use one of these at least once in your life. If you’re like me and have the Wal-Mart curse you will head straight to the restroom before you even get a basket everytime you go into Wal-Mart. (Not the one up front though, it’s always nasty. The family one back there in customer service that has the lock on it.) All the home rules still apply depending on the services the public restroom has. Sometimes changing the TP is just out of your control. In addition we have the following rules.
- Stay out of the disabled person’s stall. Just because you like to stretch out while you’re releasing the Kraken doesn’t mean you should be in there. Just like handicap parking spaces, they are there for a reason.
- Keep your hands and feet to yourself. I don’t care if you are a Senator, it’s bad enough you sat in the stall next to me, keep your feet in your area. Which brings me to my next point.
- Keep your distance. Making a banoogie is personal business. Nobody likes having an audience while doing it. So don’t pick the stall next to an occupied one unless you absolutely have no choice. If you’re a man and you don’t know how to pick a urinal then you shouldn’t leave your house.
- Stay off of your phone. You’re not at your house. Getting to round 86 in Draw Something with your BFF might be your goal, don’t try to accomplish it while you are bombing the porcelain sea. Get in, take care of business and get out. Somebody might be waiting to use that stall. (Never, ever answer your phone while dropping the kids off at the pool. That is wholly uncooth.)
So there you have it. Valuable advice from yours truly. Just remember everyone poops, let’s keep it professional people.
I got a 30 out of 60 on the urinal test. It knew I was a girl. Hilarious.
Yes, you must get a minimum of 40 or somebody will come to your house and take your Man Card. Unless you’re a girl. 😉